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Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
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A little girl asked her Dad one day, "Dad, do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time?'" Her Dad replied, "No honey, some of them begin with If I'm elected.'"
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tell me tbe "the aristocrats" joke Can someone tell me a good version of the aristocrats joke I'm trying to tell my friend but kinda mutilated it
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Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
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Trump said...
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.
This isn't my joke, but I never saw it on Reddit before. I don't know the source.
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In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
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Donald Trump and Barrak Obama end up in the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Two men walk out of a bar, both are drunk and ready to fight! One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, "If you cross this line i will punch you!" That was the punchline.
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What did Bernie Sanders say when he found a dead body at a Democratic Party meeting to select candidates and decide policy? "Oh god, a caucus!" ^^^cuz ^^^he ^^^has ^^^a ^^^new ^^^england ^^^accent
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What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?
I'll be home in 20 minutes.
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I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.
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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.
The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds. "Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life" the barman gushes.
Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims "Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink."
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Go to racist joke, what's yours? Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"
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A Trump supporter asked an opponent what the candidate should do for the American taxpayer. The opponent laughed and said, "How about becoming one himself?"
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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."
The whole bar died laughing
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President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
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Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidentally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda
"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"
"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
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In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"
"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
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What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence *edit: I kinda thought it was funny, and* poof *it has 3000 upvotes. Thanks for the motivation*
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A guy walks into a bar with a gun and yelled "Who slept with my wife?" and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."
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Why did the dyslexic man have slime on his face? Because I told him a good joke.
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A priest, a rabbi and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender looks over and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
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The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong...
A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"
The second most upvoted joke says "3915"
The third most upvoted joke says "756"
He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"
The admin replies "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"
The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"
When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the admin "What happened?"
The admin replies "Nobody had heard that one before"
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Want to hear a joke about my penis? Ahh forget it.. it it's too long. Woman replies: want to hear a joke about my vagina? Ahh never mind... you'll never get it.
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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...
Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.
Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.
So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.
Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" Asks man.
"Never been fucked before" says girl.
So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...
"Well you're fucked now"
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Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo...
Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
The other says
"No"
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A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
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What's the smallest organ in a goat?
An ISIS member's penis.
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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*
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Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)
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ALEXANDER: I was going to tell you this joke about a party with really good refreshments.
JIMMY: Why don’t you?
ALEXANDER: I can’t remember the entire joke. But I know there was a long punch line.
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What does a good joke and a man who's dropped his last Viagra down the drain have in common? A missed erection.
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The penis game. Not technically a joke, but it's always fun. Just replace one word of a movie title with the word, "penis". Indiana Jones and the Temple of Penises
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4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
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Two deer walk out of a gay bar
One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them for a minute and says, "What is this, a joke?"
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A guy walks into a building with his boss. Ouch. You'd think that at least one of them should have seen it. EDIT: A twist on the classic "a guy walks into a bar" joke.
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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies
You don’t have enough bullets
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Guy walks into a bar and asks for a "Lindsay Lohan shot"... Bartender asks "What is that?" He replies with "Oh you know, A redheaded-slut with a splash of coke."
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2 guys walk into a bar. The first one says i want h2O and has a drink. Says damn this is good. The second guy says "bartender, I want some h2O too." The second guy dies.
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Why the long face?" So the horse proceeds to rampage around the bar because he's a fucking horse.
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What do you call the score keeper at a jihadi football game? The Taliman.
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I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
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Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.
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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
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Harambe walks into a bar... "What'll you have?" says the bar tender "I'll take a shot." said Harambe
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A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
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Guy having sex says "damn, there should be a law against sex this good" To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy"
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